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An Introduction to Schmelvic Aphorisms

by Gershon Winkler, Mortal

Listen. There are schmelves. Schmelves, as you know, are Jewish elves. And they're out there in the shadows laughing at us and mimicking us and making fun of us. For example, they imitate the faces we make as we scrunge up our noses and make with the eyebrows as we try to figure out why the alternator we just bought for the car doesn't work. And then they laugh like crazy except we can't hear them because of the tumult in our minds.

And when we think we're alone with a book or the TV and we let out a private fart, or we pick at our nostrils or at our teeth -- the schmelves are watching all this and giggling, watching us in the late evening hours from behind those books we never pick up to read, the ones that just stay on the shelves because they look impressive and make visitors think we're eclectic scholars or avid readers. You know what I mean. Books like:

      The Essence of Post-Talmudic Philological Esotericism
      Judeo-Islamic Phenomenonology in Prehistoric Paramus
      The Psycho-Spiritual Dynamics of Prolific Ecumenism in 18th Century Portugal
      The Lost Teachings of Harry Hochberg
      The Chronological Euphemism of Neo-Pseudo Hippopotami
      Judeo-Christian Morality: A Study in the Synthesis of Synonymous Phlegm
      The Absoluteness of Relativity
      The Relativity of Absoluteness


Anyway. There are schmelves. And I just thought you should know.

But on a more serious note, at this writing I am observing the thirty-day period of Nochdosfeiltmir, an annual period of mourning observed by the schmelves. This period commemorates the destruction of Mount Pariah, a hill upon which the schmelves received their revelation fourteen years ago Monday. The hill collapsed when the ants who were occupying it relocated and took their furniture with them.

The mourning lasts thirty days unless it rains, in which case the period is extended for seventy two hours on five alternate days.

The schmelves, not unlike our own mortal Jewish tradition, have several periods during the year when they mourn by not listening to rap, shaving only one side of their faces, wearing sneakers on their hands, abstaining from sexual fantasies, ignoring call-waiting, and eating only health foods that contain sea salt. These periods of mourning are as follows:

      Ahnechtiggertag commemorating the first hemorrhoid.
      Inerderein: commemorating the spraining of Veizgornisht's left ankle. Veizgornisht, as you know, was one of the highest of the schmelf prophets.
      Nochamol : commemorating the spraining of Veizgornisht's right ankle.
      Schlemazzel: commemorating the day Ich-hobdir, a renowned schmelf scientist, stepped off the earth after delivering a lengthy diatribe in which he attempted to prove that the earth was round.

From the Wisdom of the Schmelves (only a sample):
Taught Rabbi Helmetyu: "In the season of winter, it is obligatory to obligate." Said Rabbi Helmetyu II: "But this runs contrary to the teaching of Rabbi Soandso who taught: 'Obligations to obligate are tantamount to obliviating the oblivious, which is strictly forbidden.'" Replied he: "Mind your own business." Said he to him: "Is it not written 'He who minds his own business shall in the end have no business to mind_'" Said him to he: "Yes, but it is also written: 'He who ha he haw.'" Said he to him: "Indeed, this conflicts with the teaching that 'Who hi he ha ho he.'" In that instance Feigel the wife of Rabbi Helmetyu entered the study and declared: "Where I once heard the learning of the scholars, I now hear the breying of donkeys."

Full contents of this article will appear in future issues of Pumbedissa. For subscription information, contact Lakme Elior and R. Gershon Winkler at or to preview more Pumbedissa articles, visit: www.walkingstick.org  

[ From the latest issue of Or HaDor ] [ Translation of Psalm 19 ] [ Meditative teachings ] [ Hallel ] [ Heads or Tails ] [ From Psalm 22 ] [ Parades ] [ In a Plain Brown Paper Wrapper ] [ A Song for Raising Consciousness ] [ Elat Chayyim poem ] [ Shelach ] [ An Introduction to Schmelvic Aphorisms ] [ Passover Transformations ] [ Insights from our Rabbis ]